WOD - 12.31.14

Mile run - 10:00

Pull-up drill A - 3x12 banded pull-ups, 3x12 curls - 12lbs

Front squat - 3x3 - 105lbs

Conditioning - 10-9-8-7-6-5-4-3-2-1

Snatch - 43lbs

Burpees

Thoughts: Last workout of 2014. Guess what? It sucked. A lot. 

Goals for next year: Work on squats and snatch. Get first pull-up. Don't miss class. Ever.

BREAKFASTING

Ever wonder what goes into those little bottles of green juice?  Well. Its this.  Got a heard-start on Dryuary this morning by preparing the first of many healthy breakfasts.  I'm coming down with a cold so figured I might as well start early.  (Guess that Zinc isn't working after all.)

Made my favorite breakfast of all time -- sweet potato hash with sausage topped with a fried egg and a little avocado.  Add a little coffee and my morning's just about perfect.  I'm getting better with my presentation too. 31 more days of this doesn't sound bad at all.

BAM!

The paperwhites bloomed.  The winter garden is here!

WINNING

So it seems Apartment Therapy isn't the only one with some resolution-based Challenge for 2015.  CrossFit South Brooklyn has announced their six-week "Look, Feel, and Perform Better Challenge" which seems like as good a thing as any to get me through this impending Dryuary.  The rules are pretty simple...you sign up, pay $30, submit a "before" photo to their website and perform a trial WOD as an initial benchmark.  You then log points on their online spreadsheet daily.  Points are awarded as follows:

(3) Full Clean Day:  Ate Zone balanced meals all day
(1) 1 Item Off List:  Ate one slightly off balance meal
(0) 1 Full Meal Off Plan:  Ate one way off balance meal
(-3) More than One Meal Off Plan:  Ditched the Zone for more than one meal
(1) Fish Oil:  Took 3 grams of EPA/DHA in fish oil tabs
(1) Sleep: 7 solid hours of sleep the night before
(1) Active Recovery: 15 minutes with a foam roller
(1) Hydration: 72 oz of water daily
(1) WOD: Trained either at CrossFit or elsewhere

Winners of the Challenge will be judged on positive body comp changes as demonstrated by the before and after photos, total points earned during the six weeks and overall improvement on the trial WOD.

It seems the greatest number of points one can achieve in a single day is 8.  Which means a perfect score at the end of three weeks is 336...but that means you'd have to work out every single day which is brutal and not great for you.  Its been a goal of mine to supplement my CrossFit days with some good ole fashioned Tracy Anderson workouts on my off-days, but it remains to be seen how difficult that will be.  I'll just have to take it day by day.  The hardest thing will likely be the initial workout on January 1st after a whole night of celebrating...

The Grand Prize is two whole months of unlimited membership free which would be pretty sweet...and you guys know me, I always love a good a challenge!  I say bring it.  

THE VITAMIN SCAM

I don't know when this blog became so health-focused, but I'm away from home and all my DIY projects so there's not much else to write about for the time being.

Lately, I've been a little vitamin-crazed.  It all started a couple years back when my doc discovered my Vitamin D and B levels were literally at zero...most likely because I'm lactose intolerant and wasn't eating a whole lot of red meat.  I began taking a daily supplement of both, started eating a ton of beef and, lo and behold, my levels improved.  The increase in Vitamin B is more likely a result of my diet than the actual supplement since it can't really be absorbed by ingesting.  (I keep taking it anyway just in case.)  I've always taken a multi-vitamin, two Vitamin C gummies and fish oil along with my high blood pressure meds so that brought me up to 9 pills every morning. Then a few months ago, a facialist recommended I start taking primrose and flaxseed oils for my skin so I added four more to my cocktail.  And then I got worried about getting sick over the holidays so I started popping zinc tabs for a grand total of 14.  Thats a lot of vitamins.  And a lot of money.  And after some dedicated reading on the subject, I have a sneaking suspicion I've been quite literally flushing both down the toilet.

The multi-vitamin debate is a pretty boring one, but I'm beginning to side with those claiming they're a scam.  How could I be taking One-A-Day for years and still not have a shred of B or D in my system?  The minute I changed my eating habits and popped a daily Vitamin D, my levels changed.  Very suspect.  So that's the first to go.  I'll probably nix the Vitamin B gel too since its more likely that my diet has fixed that problem.  Then there is the question of whether the zinc and the vitamin C is actually doing anything worth while.  I haven't been sick yet this winter (knock on wood) so I'm not bailing on them yet...but I wouldn't be surprised if I've been popping glorified gummy bears all this time.  There's some compelling science behind the fish oil so  I'll keep that going and I have noticed a difference in my skin since taking the primrose and flaxseed oils. Not bailing on that homeopathic garbage yet!  So I'm down to 12.  Which still seems like a lot to me.  But whatever works.

Man.  I need to get another project going already.

HACKING THE BLUEPRINT CLEANSE & USING IT WISELY

If there's once thing I'm good at, its a good ole fashioned juice cleanse.  I'm the best at it.  If juice cleansing was a job, I would be CEO.  If there was an event at the Olympics, I would be the gold medalist six years in a row.  If I could juice cleanse for the rest of my life and somehow not die, I would do it in a heart beat.  Why?  Because its easy.  Its brainless.  Do you know how much of my week is spent figuring out what food to shove in my face on a daily basis?  What recipes to cook, how and when to cook them, when to schedule a grocery run, how much to freeze, how much to parcel out, and then actually remembering to bring it all in to work? Its exhausting. And anxiety producing.  If I could live off a magical pill every day, and not have to think another minute about it, I would do it.  So the concept of drinking 6 bottles of vitamin-rich juices on a daily basis is very appealing to me.

The supposed effects of the whole thing are more of a bonus, really, even though they are not what everyone hopes they are.  (i.e. Instant hotness) In my opinion, all juice fasting does is cleanse your pallet and give you a mega-dose of vitamins and minerals you're probably not getting in your every-day life.  Post-cleanse you can suddenly taste the difference between, say, a cherry tomato and a stick of celery; not only that, but you also have a newfound appreciation for texture.  You're so tired of that sickly-sweet green juice, that something as bland as jicama is suddenly delicious and gratifying simply because its crunchy.  Even water is a miracle! I also find juice cleansing to be a phenomenal de-bloater -- its the most obvious benefit, and a good reminder of what limiting sodium can do.  Plus your mind is sharper, your skin is glowing and you begin to resemble what I imagine a pure-bred human being might look like.  But it is not a good way to lose weight.  You may drop a pound or three, but it all comes back the moment you resume eating real food.  Not really the goal here.

And then there are all the downsides.   #1.  The cost.  (A full week of Blueprint will set you back a couple hundo).  #2.  Withdrawal.  Somehow, I have never experienced the dizziness, hunger or grumpiness most people describe during their first three days of the cleanse.  Maybe its because I don't eat much white flour or dairy to begin with...maybe its because I cheat and drink an occasional cup of black coffee or green tea.  (I know that interferes with the "real" reasons for doing a cleanse, but I don't believe in all that holistic mumbo jumbo...the benefits of fasting or clearing out "bad bacteria" or whatever.  The science doesn't add up and its seems kind of dumb to me.)  But the biggest drawback by far is #3.  It severely limits your activity.  I once did a full week of CrossFit while cleansing just to see what it was like, and got a stern talking to by a coach who caught on to my little experiment.  He basically said "Don't do that" and if I did choose to do it, "Don't come to class."  Fair enough.  For all the convenience of popping bottles six times a day, seven days a week, it can't be all that good for your metabolism either.

So.  In 2015 I'm going to incorporate all the positive benefits of juicing without the negative effects of juice-fasting.  And I'm not going to spend a million dollars on it either.  Some smartipants "hacked" all the Blueprint recipes and it turns out making these from scratch only costs about $2.  My goal is to make a fresh juice every morning after the gym as a quick pick-me-up before work. Here are all the recipes to make all your juicing dreams come true:

GREEN JUICE:
For 16 ounces, gather organically-grown:

• 5 Ribs of Celery
• 1 Cucumber, Halved
• 2 Large Green Apples of Your Choice
• 3 Kale leafs
• 1 Ounce of Lemon juice
• 1 Handful of Parsley
• 3 Romaine leafs
• 1 Handful of Spinach (Don’t be shy. It doesn’t bite)

P.A.M. JUICE:

• A Third of 1 Pineappple
• 2 Large Green Apples of Your Choice
• A few pinches of Mint, to taste

SPICY LEMONADE: 

(I am suspicious of the benefits of this one, though it sure does taste good!)

• 14 ounces of Filtered Water
• 3-4 juiced medium Lemons
• A few Dashes of Cayenne Pepper
• 1 Tablespoon of Agave Nectar

C.A.R. JUICE:

• 1 Green Apple of Your Choice
• 2 Beet, with the greens left on
• 3 Large Carrots
• 1 and 1/2 Tablespoon of Ginger
• A 1/2 ounce of Lemon Juice (to taste)

CASHEW MILK:

(My favorite!  This is probably better as a dessert or late afternoon snack)

• 4-5 ounces of Raw Cashews soaked over night in...
• 16 ounces of Filtered water
• 1 Tablespoon of Agave Nectar
• 1 teaspoon of Cinnamon (ground)
• 1 two-inch piece of Vanilla Bean (or 1 teaspoon of extract)

WOD - 12.27.14

Mile run - 8:31

Pull-up drill B (10 5-10 sec negatives)

Back Squat - 3x5 - 125lbs

AMRAP 12:00

40 goblet lunges (20lbs)

30 jumping pull-ups

20 push-ups 

Thoughts: Added 5lbs to my back squat! No erg at the clubhouse so did a modified workout. Still not easy. Got through 1.5 rounds for a total of 80 lunges, 60 jumping pull-ups and 20 push-ups from my knees (lame). Tried to run a cool down mile but legs were jello.

PALEO TRAIL MIX!

In the nine months since I tried this whole paleo lifestyle thing, which not only cured my lactose and gluten intolerant woes, but also lowered my skyrocketing blood pressure, I've had some fun rooting out some killer recipes online.  Of all the blogs out there on the interweb (or the cloud or whatever it is they're calling it these days) my hands-down favorite is Michelle Tam's Nom Nom Paleo.  She understands that eating healthfully doesn't mean eating disgusting, bland or boring foods. Her recipes are creative, flavorful and filling, and her iPad app is probably the most beautiful and functional online cookbook I've ever used. Her meals can convert even the staunchest of white-bread and pasta lovers in this world -- I really cannot say enough good things about this Martha of the primitive community.  

Anyway.  I recently tried her "Paleo Trail Mix" made from a mixture of toasted coconut flakes, pepitas, sunflower seeds, slivered almonds and dried pineapple.  Its downright addicting and you can even eat it in the morning with a little almond or coconut milk if you're missing those days of housing bowlful after bowlful of Lucky Charms.  Here's the recipe in its entirety but its basically the following:

PALEO TRAIL MIX:

• 16 oz. roasted, unsalted sunflower seed kernels
• 16 oz. raw, unsalted pumpkin seeds
• 8 oz. roasted, unsalted almond slivers
• 6 oz. dried pineapple, cut up
• 5 oz. dried flake coconut (I prefer to toast them if I have the time)

Pour ingredients in a bowl.  Mix together.  Eat.  

The End.

WOD - 12.22.14

Bench press - 3x5 - 75lbs

Deadlift - 1x5- 135lbs

2 mile run (16 min)

Pull-up drill A

Thoughts: Could have probably lifted heavier with the deadlift. Also. This pull-up thing is gonna take a long time :/

PROJECT: VISION QUEST

Last night I booked a flight to Costa Rica. By myself. This is not the kind of thing I normally do on a whim, but I did it without thinking about it too hard and I gotta say I'm pretty stoked. The plan is  pretty simple: I'm going to live on a beach for 8 days, surf every morning, root around in the jungle, scuba dive once or twice, write a whole bunch and hopefully meet some interesting people. Who knows. Maybe I won't come back at all. Or maybe I will and walk around reborn like some blissfully zenned-out Matthew McConaughey. I'm open to either possibility. 

One of the good things about this trip is its going to shake me out of these winter doldrums. No more holiday benders. No more hitting snooze at 6am and missing the morning CrossFit classes I pay way too much to skip. No more lamenting the icky stretch of monsoon winter yawning ahead for the next three months. It's goal time. It's Oprah time! Time to get back to the best version of myself or whatever it is she's preaching these days. Which for me means going back to the strict Paleo lifestyle and building myself into some kind of living, breathing machine. The freezer's filled with meat of all species, the pantry's stacked with nuts and berries, I'm popping vitamins, oils and herbs like candy and generally prepping for a very different kind of 2015.

As part of this new mentality, some friends and I have decided to start the year off right with something we call "Dryuary."  This means not drinking alcohol for an entire month, which for any red-blooded New Yorker, is a very challenging thing to do in the wintertime.  Our theory is, the more people we can swindle into committing to this, the fewer drinkers there will be to peer pressure us back into the normal life of happy hours, weekend ragers and boozy Sunday brunches. So far, our straight-edge crew consists of five brave souls...but we welcome any new members with open arms.  Dryuary means something different for everyone; for some its a annual reboot both physically and mentally, for others, its a period of spiritual soul-searching, and still others, as a means to drop all the holiday poundage.  In my world, Dryuary very simply means going back to CrossFit 3 times a week, cooking for myself daily, focusing on work and getting back into the swing of a regular, daily routine.    Basically, re-learning how to be a functional, adult human being.

That said, we're gonna have a lot of free time on our hands and we'll have to get creative in filling it.  Lucky for us, my favorite source of home inspiration, Apartment Therapy, has launched their annual "January Cure" challenge which should eat up a lot of time.  Each day, the site emails you a new task to help clean and organize your humble abode.  I was really proud of how much I cleared from my hoarder's paradise last week (two lamps, a bedside table, and a ton of old magazines)...until I followed it up by purchasing a better bedside table, a French hat rack from the 70s and a weird wooden arrow emblazoned with a Native American decal.   (I thought it would be a good place to hang my keys).  Oops.

French "Glass Bottle" Hat Hanging Rack!

New & improved bedside table!

This is weird.  But I love it!

There will probably be a brutal assignment down the line where I'll be forced to pick, Sophie's Choice-style, between my vintage mason jars and Cricket's teepee and I will weep real tears of remorse and fury trying to figure out how to save them both.  But. Lets cross that bridge when we get to it, shall we?

WINTER IS COMING.

Do not let these balmy 70-degree days and week-long tropical monsoons fool you.  Winter is coming and preparations must be made.  Getting the backyard ready for winter has been a laborious, Sisyphian task, mostly because the neighbor's giant oak tree dumps about 6 trillion pounds of leaves into my yard on a weekly basis.  I've spent an average of three hours a weekend raking and fishing rotten foliage out of the koi pond, doing my best to avoid the cat scat and stuffing the the whole mess into a whole box's worth of contractor bags. At the end of the day, I'll feel relieved and accomplished and then wake up Monday morning to exactly nine feral cats squatting in another 6 trillion pounds of leaves and have to do it all over again.  There's probably one more weekend's worth of work before its really finished, but today I've had enough of this game.  No more of this battening down the hatches business; the leaves and the cats can wait.  Its been a while since I came up with a good ol' hare-brained DIY project and its high time I got down to business.

Over the holiday, I was inspired by my mother's "Winter Garden" in the foyer...she'd put together a lovely collection of trees and flowering plants and I decided I'd like to give one a try this season.   I already have some aloe and succulents sitting in the kitchen window and that weird little baobab tree I got from IKEA seems to be hanging in there too.  My mom gave me a handful of paperwhite bulbs that I forced in some water so there might even be some real flowers growing here in a month or so.

Couple methods happening here.  Will see which grows best.

This morning's "Winter gardening" episode culminated with the purchase of a Spruce tree for the holidays which I arranged nicely between Our Lady Guadalupe and a pair of darling garden gnomes.  It sure is festive, but if I'm being really honest, this place is looking more and more like a hoarder's den every waking day. So I took it upon myself to start clearing out some of the more superfluous furniture.  Now that there's a teepee in the kitchen, I need to let the rest of the house breathe a little, know what I mean?  So I removed a couple old lamps, got rid of a bedside table, stashed a couple poster tubes in the closet and voila! Although, in all honesty, you can't really tell the difference. But that's just the plight of a maximalist for you.

And the last thing on my winter to-do list?  Ever since I re-upped my lease for another year, I've been wanting to do a little upgrade to make things feel fresh and new again.  Now, I know what you're thinking, and the answer is no.  I have officially given up on the bathroom.  Outside of a total gutting of the kitchen/bathroom/hallway area, there is nothing in the world, not even IKEA, that can make it a better place.  I'm not going to cry about it, its just the way it is.  Showering at my house will always feel, at best, like camping and, at worst, like climbing into a water-coffin, and it will always be possible to sit on the toilet AND wash your face at the same time.  You won't ever do it, but you'll always be thinking it.  Every time you go.  But thats just the way it is at my house, and if you want to hang with me, you're going to have to deal with it.

So instead, I've decided to give my tired kitchen cabinets a quick little refresh.

I've been recently inspired by all the gold kitchen accents featured here and here by Apartment Therapy.  I was also quite taken with this this fun, little vintage kitchen from Design Sponge complete with an eye-popping toe-kick.

How easy it would be to swap out my nasty, plastic cabinet handles with some art deco-inspired hardware and paste some gold contact paper to the kickboards on the bottom of the cabinets!  After pouring through scores of vintage drawer pulls and cabinet handles, I settled on these bad boys:

Give 'em a fresh coat of gold spray paint and pair it with this fun vintage contact paper and wowee. Or so I hope.  Now I just need my landlord to agree to a brand new SMEG refrigerator in mint green and all my vintage kitchen dreams will come true.  Results to come!

 

 

**UPDATE***

The Etsy shop wouldn't sell me 10 of those floral handles so I found something even better for less. These slender enamel and gold pulls are more delicate, don't require tacky spray paint and they even come with free screws. (That's what she said.)

THE TEEPEE IS HERE.

BAM.  TEEPEE.

THE COUNTDOWN BEGINS...

So the time is drawing nigh... for the First BBQ of Summer!  If there's maybe one thing I love more than Home Depot, its a good BBQ, and only because I have to make at least 3 trips to the HD to be adequately prepared.  I'd seriously have a BBQ every weekend if my bank account could stand it.  Its the one time I don't really mind cooking. Lately, I've found the whole cooking thing largely un-fulfilling. I've been a good girl the past three months, sticking to this Paleo lifestyle and consistent with my CrossFit training, but most of attempts have left me with feelings of inadequacy and self-loathing. Paleo recipes taste pretty good but they're not the most appetizing to look at it...plus there's something weird and sad about slaving away for three hours just to sit and pick at your chicken-stuffed sweet potatoes at half past midnight on a Wednesday.  Isn't cooking supposed to be sexy?  Shouldn't there be some hulking dude bent over the stove in a wifebeater, dishrag slung over his shoulder, letting you lick the vodka sauce from his outstretched finger? Well?  Shouldn't there be??  That's the kind of cooking I'm talking about. Most nights, you'll find me hunched over the kitchen sink, stuffing my face with some combination of ingredients just trying not to die.

But cooking for guests is a different thing altogether.  I love entertaining!  Everything about it.  The cleaning, the prep-work, the endless lists and countless shopping trips.  I love arranging hors d'oeuvres on vintage trays and mixing gallon bags of macaroni salad the night before.  I love the little things.  Like paper straws in red and turquoise stripes, and crisp, white napkins stacked in neat little rows along the bar. I love the way those colorful little sodapops sweat inside their glass bottles; I love the strings of twinkle lights and steel buckets overflowing with ice. I love the recipes and the cut flowers and the final mad-dash hours getting it all ready just as the first guests begin to arrive. Best of all, I love having no less than fifty of my favorite people drinking and laughing and making a total fucking mess of it all.  Its the best.

So yeah.  BBQs. Its about time.  And because I'm the most impatient person on this green earth, I decided May 31st was as good a day as any to get one going.  I put things in motion before I really had a chance to think about it, sent out the invite to no less than 80 people, which means now I have 22 days to grow a lawn, fix up the koi pond and get the vegetable garden planted.  Not to mention plan a vintage 50s menu of epic proportions.  No BBQ is complete without burgers and dogs, pulled pork and garlic shrimp and all kinds of grilled veggies.  Then there's the pasta salads and fruit salads and the Mexican bean salad and the guacamole and 7 layer dip and chips and baby carrots and pickles and what have you.  I also recently had the good fortune to try fresh pressed watermelon juice which is out of this world amazing. Some kind of watermelon vodka infusion is definitely in order. My biggest hurdle, of course, is finding some dude to be my resident grill man.  Its pretty much a travesty that I don't know how to grill the perfect burger at this stage of my life, but I'm too busy running around like a crazyface refilling bowls of chips and handing people drinks. Plus I need someone strong enough to get the propane tank filled at the corner hardware and schlep it back in one piece. We all know what happened the last time I tried to drag a Christmas tree back here.

If I can get the lawn/pond/garden thing in order this weekend, I should have a jungle paradise ready by the 31st.  And then I can tackle the rest.  BBQ PREP TO-DO LIST IS BELOW:

- GROW LAWN ALREADY!
- ASSEMBLE PUMP AND ATTACH TO FOUNTAIN
- REFILL KOI POND AND CONDITION WATER
- GET SOME FANCY FISH
- PLANT STRAWBALE GARDEN, BUY MORE FLOWERS
- PLAN MENU
- CREATE BBQ PLAYLIST
- LOCATE HARDBODIED GRILL MASTER

FEUDIN'

There have been some interesting backyard developments this week.  Firstly, it hit 75 today and the neighbors with the above-ground pool have been getting it ready for the weekend. Which means I have 48 hours to make them my best friends.  Secondly, I finally met my not-so-nice neighbors to the right.   I like to call them "The Neighbors Who Knock."  It first happened the night of my house-warming party in December.  It was around 4am and we were at that point in the night where we were getting a little rowdy trying to decide whether or not to scale the laundry ladder. I mean, fair enough.   The second time it happened, it was only 10pm on a Wednesday and my bestie and I were out back laughing at some inane thing the dogs were doing.  I know I don't have the best inside voice, but come on.  The lilting notes of ladies' laughter is no cause for knocking.   And the third?  It was 9am on a Monday and I was sorting piles of brick and concrete in preparation for the pond installation.  As far as I'm concerned, 9am is a perfectly acceptable hour to be sorting things in a backyard.  And if its not, the neighborly thing to do is to come out like a man, introduce yourself and ask me to quit my shenanigans.  I'm a very understanding person after my morning coffee.

The last thing you should know about these neighbors is, not only do they own the mysterious Door to Dimension X, but they also rigged a ship's sail from a giant oak smack-dab in the middle of their yard.  The effect is both rad and unsettling.  Not a day goes by that I don't wonder what they're doing with that thing. Between the door and the sail, half my time working out back is wasted staring into space, pondering the cosmic meaning of it all.  My trusty dogwalker has long suspected the N.W.K. have been building a steampunk airskiff back there.  Perhaps he's onto something.

Anyway.  This weekend, the Neighbors Who Knock actually decided to come out of hiding for a little backyard spring prep.  Being the gracious and sociable person that I am, I made it a point to introduce myself and Cricket Jean...which I thought went over reasonably well, even though they made the grand assumption I was living here with some kind of life-partner.  (Who could they be talking about?  My trusty dogwalker??) I also sensed some snark when the older gentleman mentioned they were tearing down their fence to better see all the impressive landscaping I was up to.  Well. I put on my best girl-next-door routine and Cricket gazed up with those vacant, doe eyes of hers, and it was all very civil and neighborly, and by the time it was over, I really and truly thought we were good. I was even gonna invite them to my BBQ bash in May.  

That all changed when I woke up to THIS:

Shut out.

Oh, I see.  You want nothing to do with Cricket and me.  Fenced out, huh?  Well, fine, Neighbors Who Knock, if that's how you want to play it, I'm game.  Just you wait until the 31st of May, my friends.  You'll wanna do a lot more than knock when all my funtime hipster friends rage until the dawn.  Just you wait. We'll burn your steampunk airskiff to the ground.

THAT TIME SHE FELL IN THE KOI POND

Well, it finally happened. I guess it was only a matter of time.  I was already worried sick today because I'd given dear, sweet Cricket Jean a Bully Stick from April's Barkbox against my better judgement.  If you don't know what a Bully Stick is, then I suggest you Google it.  It is foul and disgusting and smells like a salty, rotting carcass, which is, of course, why dogs love it. Anyway. I gave her the Bully Stick and she had a 45 minute love affair with it before swallowing it WHOLE.  It caused all kinds of tummy troubles and she stopped eating for 24 hours so when I got a call from my dog walker I was already speed dialing my vet for some kind of exploratory surgery to get the thing removed.  Instead, my dog walker calmly inquired as to where my non-white towels might live...Turns out CJ decided today was the day she would jump headlong into the koi pond. For most normal dogs, this is no big deal, but swimming isn't really in the French Bulldog wheelhouse.  Girl sank like a stone.  Luckily, my trusty Dogwalker saved her lifeand left her warm and cozy in her little crate.

Cricket Jean has had all kinds of troubles lately -- there was this incident with the Bully Stick, and another where she somehow got into my takeout sushi and wolfed down half a Unagi roll.  Word to the wise, eel avocado and adorable puppies do not mix.  I came home to a disaster I can only describe as worse than watching Human Centipede.  To make matters worse, this Friday is the very special day Cricket becomes a lady. Yup, its high time the lil ho got spayed.  I can't take her anywhere without risking unplanned pregnancy these days. So all of this combined has made for a really difficult time for her.

To ease her pain, I let her watch the one thing she loves more than putting out & Bully Sticks combined -- Katy Perry's Darkhorse Video.  I don't know if its Katy's blue, blue eyes or her harem of cat-slaves, but CJ is mesmerized.  I can literally play it five times back-to-back and she won't move from her spot on the couch. By the time the little Pomeranian comes out dancing, she's already whining for me to restart it.

Which I am happy to do, little girl.  This weekend will be just you, me, the couch and some Katy.  Love you, little boo.

THE ROAD TO HOME DEPOT IS PAVED WITH HAPPINESS

Lots going on here.

Today I am over-the-moon happy and here is why:  This evening I'm going to Home Depot, my most favorite place on earth.  Every day at Home Depot is the new happiest day of my life. Nothing gets me amped like a trip down those holy, tangerine hallways; I could spend all day in the hardware aisle just picking out screws! But tonight's trip has been made even better because I'm going with a good friend who shares my enthusiasm for home improvement AND has a car! Which means the possibilities are endless. Bags and bags of topsoil and fertilizer, seedlings, maybe a greenhouse, the arbor...or even that teepee! Although I've recently begun rethinking the arbor. In case you haven't noticed, there is A LOT going on out here. There's the laundry ladder, the rusty, old shed, the straw-bales, the flower beds, the fire pit, the ivy wall, that strange door to another realm, and now this koi pond. Its a lot to process. I'm starting to wonder if sticking another vertical structure between the laundry ladder and the door to Narnia will disrupt the balance or harmony or whatever. Not very Feng Shui, if you know what I mean.

I present to you, my door to Dimension X.

Besides.  I have enough projects to plow through -- I need to pick up a ton of topsoil and lawn seed, fertilizer and vegetable seedlings. Getting that started will be enough work for one weekend, and its a busy one already! Dear, sweet Cricket Jean is celebrating her 6-month birthday with her sister, 4 brothers and her big ol' mama at Lucky Dog on Saturday plus I have to work Sunday night. So seeding a lawn and starting some baby veggies in a greenhouse seems about the most I can manage.

Although, I do need to pick up pond treatment to prep the water for the fish, and a net and possibly even a filter. The neighbor's tree just dumped a bunch of blossoms into the pond today which looks all kinds of pretty right now...but will likely turn to yuck in a week or so.  Also sinking all that dirty slate to the bottom was a bad move: Its looking more Gowanus Canal than Koi Pond Zen right about now. Maybe Home Depot has some fancy stones I could add?

Fancy stones for Fancy Fish!

Oh yeah. And then I need another hose adapter. Like most Brooklyn properties, there is no outdoor water source here. I picked up an attachment for the kitchen faucet, but of course my faucet didn't have the proper threading to screw it on correctly. I ended up jerry-rigging it with plumbers tape which held long enough to fill the pond but wasn't terribly practical for watering the straw-bales. So definitely need to figure that out. I'm way too impatient for watering cans.  

Below is the shopping list for tonight's extravaganza.  Let's get ready to rumble!

SHOPPING LIST:

- GRASS SEED

- LAWN FERTILIZER

- TOP SOIL (3 BAGS)

- 4 TOMATO PLANTS, BASIL, CHIVES, ROSEMARY, THYME, MINT, PARSLEY, 2 CUCUMBER PLANTS, ZUCCHINI, RED PEPPERS, CARROTS, EGGPLANT, BEETS, STRAWBERRIES & BLACKBERRIES

- NASTURTIUM, CRACKLING FIRE, GERANIUMS, MORNING GLORIES, MARIGOLDS, GERBER DAISIES, SUNFLOWERS, SUCCULENTS

- POND TREATMENT, POND STONES, POND NET

- SINK HOSE ATTACHMENT

A WICKED GARDEN

American Gothic.

Well, it happened.  The koi pond is in! The edging is still a little janky, but I'll keep working on it until its level. Turns out landscaping is a lot of hard, back-breaking work.  Hours and hours of it.  I can only imagine what the neighbors think.  Here's some wacko girl in a bikini and cut offs circa 1992 waist-deep in a pit just about killing herself shoveling mounds of topsoil and rubble.  I've come to find out bikinis are not the best attire for shoveling; I have cuts and bruises everywhere and even the manicurist gave up on getting all the dirt out of my fingernails. But its done.  And I got some good sun! The whole thing just sorta happened and it didn't take very long to fill with water either.  I spent the remainder of the afternoon attempting to level the ground to lay out all the decking tiles...which, as you can see, was only moderately successful.  Its going to drive me nuts, but I'll give it another solid attempt next week.

Every time I start that fountain, I just start laughing.  Its just so absurd.

The fountain was a toughie, mostly because I lost the directions and tried to figure it out myself. Not quite like building Legos, but I got it in the end.  Next, I sunk the real lily pad seedlings underwater and floated a couple fake ones on top, and lined the whole bottom with slate so my future fish babies will have places to hide.  I had high hopes of getting the lawn done after all that, but my legs stopped working. Instead, Cricket and I spent a lazy Sunday lying out in the sun and playing fetch and drinking ice cold cans of Budweiser because this is America and that is what you do godammit.

Cricket Jean pondering the laws of physics.  

After this long weekend's adventure, I have two things to say:  

#1 There is something incredibly satisfying about building something with your own hands (even if it is a little janky).  Some days I wonder why I never became a contractor or a great builder of furniture.  I guess, in some ways, its a little bit like writing.  You put in all that effort and trial and error and blood and sweat and in the end you actually have something to show for it. 

#2. For reasons I can't quite explain, this backyard has quickly turned into some mystical, magical Tolkienesque realm.  None of my neighbor's backyards look like this.  They're all bright and cheery with above-ground pools and bocce courts and kiddie houses (or, as the British like to call them, "Wendy Houses.")***  But whenever I take pictures back here there's always mist and shadows, solar flares and tangled vines.  It has its own wild, ecosystem out here and it's quickly growing into some kind of wicked forest or Elven kingdom or something. Getting some greenery in here should help...maybe I can transform it into Fern Gully by May?

Lothlorien? Is that you?*

 THIS WEEK'S TO DO LIST: 

- PICK UP FERTILIZER, TOPSOIL, GRASS SEED, SEEDLINGS, PLANTERS, IKEA GREENHOUSE 

- RECONSIDER ARBOR

- BEGIN STRAWBALE PREP

- START SEEDLINGS IN GREENHOUSE

- BUY POND TREATMENT & FANCY FISH

- PLANT LAWN

- SIGH. TEEPEE.

*  If you don't get any of these blatant LOTR references, get out of here.  You shouldn't be reading this anyway.

*** My friend from the UK once told me this story about the time this dude knocked down her "Wendy House" and the whole time I was convinced it was some obscure British euphemism for deflowerment.  Turns out its just what they call children's playhouses. Obviously, its my new favorite thing.

OBSESSION.

5 hours of work = 10 more feet of lawn

At what point does hard work turn into obsession?  Its a very good question.  One I'm not sure I want to answer.  Its good to have hobbies and all, but its safe to say I've gone down the rabbit hole on this one...

This past week, I'd gone back and forth about pruning all the ivy vines out back.  I really like that unbridled wildness and all, but I don't want guests tripping on the vines creeping and crawling underfoot. In the end, I decided to compromise and prune all the vines that had grown into the ground where the lawn should be and leaving the rest. Easy job, right?  Well, one thing led to another and 5 hours and 8 contractor bags later, this is where I ended up.  The ivy vines had grown rampant back there, snaking half-way up the yard, around trees, up the wall and even across the power lines to completely cover another tree in the front.   Part of me was a little sad to see it all go, but the way these things grow, I'm sure they'll come back with a vengeance. Fingers crossed I can coax them up the arbor once that's in place.

We have a half-day today, so I'm planning to dig out the pond later this afternoon.  I think its time to leave the vines alone now.  Partly because I don't want to go too far, but mostly because the blisters on my fingers hurt so bad.  After all that, shoveling dirt out of a 2 foot hole doesn't seem all that bad anymore.

In other news, it seems we've reduced our cat population to about 2!  In the past week, I've only spotted Padre and Satan lurking around.  Padre's pretty terrified of Cricket, but Satan will hang out in the yard even while I'm working, so he might be here to stay. So far so good!

MORE PLANNING

Snow-bales. 

So it snowed last night.  And hailed. And dipped down to 30 degrees this morning.  So I guess I'm relieved I didn't start the straw-bale process yet.  Baby steps, Peters.  Baby steps.  In the meantime, I kept busy knocking off a couple of things I had on my to-do list all winter.  The first was hanging this little rail by the backyard door for things like gardening gloves and twine and bug spray and flashlights and stuff.  The second was giving myself a refresher on the whole gardening thing and plotting out exactly what I'm going to plant this year.

Ikea is like an Erector Set for grownups!

The IKEA rail thing was a super easy project -- so easy, I'm thinking of getting a similar setup with a bulletin board and mail organizer for the entryway.  But that's for after the backyard gets going.  First things first.

After another quick perusal of the Straw-Bale gardening book and the very special "Crops in Pots" hardcover I picked up on the street last year, I've broken down this summer's garden as follows:

Large Straw Bale #1 - 2 tomato plants, basil, chives, rosemary

Large Straw Bale #2 - 2 cucumber plants, 1 pumpkin, mint, thyme, parsley

Small Straw Bale #1 - Marigolds & Zinnias

Small Straw Bale #2 - Marigolds & Zinnias

Planter #1 - Cherry tomatoes & Zucchini 

Planter #2 - Red peppers, nasturtium, & crackling fire flowers

Planter #3 - Eggplant & peas/beans

Planter #4 - Carrots, beets & lettuce

Planter #5 - Strawberries & lavender

I have an additional 10 assorted smaller pots that I'll probably just put flowers in...and I need to figure out what to put in that giant planter by the BBQ.  I did find a baby tree in a plastic bucket behind the laundry ladder...it doesn't look like its dead, so maybe that would look nice there...I've also been dying to pick up an arbor for the back wall which I recently discovered is the back of a garage.  I'll plant last year's scarlet runner beans and some morning glories on either side and let things get wild.  My only problem is where to put the teepee!  Cricket Jean needs someplace to sit in the shade all summer.

Well.  This is a lot of work.  But not impossible.  I'd say this will keep me busy through May at least.  I broke down all these projects into a little calendar to make things seem more manageable:

Friday, April 18th:     

- Remove rest of vines and sticks from back.  

- Finish slate patio in front of shed

- Figure out where to plant that baby tree (if its not dead)

- Dig leaves/dirt out of pond & throw away old liner

Saturday, April 19th:  

- Rebuild koi pond

- Fill koi pond & set up pump

- Rake dirt and topsoil over rest of yard

- Add floating water plants

Sunday, April 20th:     

- Pick up fertilizer, lime, peat, topsoil, grass seed  

- Sow lawn

Tuesday, April 22nd:   

- Begin straw-bale prep

Saturday, April 26th:   

- Pick up arbor, 2 planters & IKEA greenhouse

Sunday, April 27th:     

- Start seedlings for planters in greenhouse indoors

Sunday, May 3rd:       

- Pick up herbs, tomato plants and plant straw-bales

TBD:                          

- Buy fancy fish the first solid week of 70 degree weather

- TEEPEE????!!!!

                                  

Meh.  This is still a lot of work.  Will see how much I get done this three-day weekend.

JESUS SOAP SAVES!

Bottle of Miracles!

At this point, I should point out that I hail from a long line of Germans.  Its not surprising then that I have more than a healthy dose of OCD when it comes to cleaning and organization. When I was a kid, one of my favorite activities was cleaning the garage with my father.  I would sit for hours sorting nuts and bolts by size and shape, paint by color and gloss, lumber by genus and species.  I'd divide the screws into phillips and flat-head categories and make sure all the screw-drivers were lined up in ascending order according to height.  It was the best!  To this day, nothing makes me happier than a perfectly organized garage, but because I don't have one, I have to make do with other obsessions.

Why do I have so many teal shoes?

Though its true I've color-coordinated every last drawer, shelf and closet space in my little one-bedroom, and test driven just about every product at the Container Store, I've recently had to up my game to really make things interesting. Oddly, its these newfangled online delivery services that have helped me develop other pastimes. For example, I derive extreme pleasure from timing the delivery of household products so they arrive just as I'm using up the last bit of the old stuff.  There's little room for storage, so ordering precisely what I need for the month has become an obsessive game -- will the Tom's toothpaste arrive just as I squeeze the last little bit from the tube?  Will Cricket's dog food last until Friday when the Wag.com order arrives?  Can I water down the dish soap until its back in stock on Fresh Direct.com?  Its a sickness, I know.  But its also unbelievably satisfying.

For me, Saturday is cleaning day.  Always has been, always will.  Saturday begins with a leisurely breakfast, a pot of strong, black coffee and then its time to tackle the kitchen, the bathroom and the floors before getting on with my life.  Sweet, dear Cricket Jean isn't entirely housebroken yet, and while I'm obsessive with the Nature's Miracle and Swiffer 7 days a week, it still needs a good, thorough floor-washing every Saturday. (I don't care what anyone says, swiffering is NOT the same as washing a floor.   It just kinda moves the bacteria around and gives the illusion you're doing something productive.)  Anyway.  I was all kinds of excited because there was a sale on some organic looking cleaning fluid at the Whole Foods this weekend.  It had this cool, vintage looking bottle and all this tiny writing on the label.  Plust it was lavender scented which just so happens to be my preferred cleaning fragrance for the kitchen.  Oh yeah.  I also have this weird thing about scents -- cleaning products used for the kitchen (dish soap, floor wash) CANNOT smell the same as cleaning products for the bathroom.  I automatically equate any scent used in the bathroom, no matter how flowery or delicate, with a toilet bowl, and the thought of smelling a toilet on your silverware is enough to make me gag.  Lately, I've been using that Mrs. Meyers Geranium-scented toilet cleanser and antibacterial spray in the bathroom and saving the Lavender for the kitchen, so you can imagine how exciting it was to find a huge bottle of that lavender stuff on sale.  I washed the entire floor almost immediately and it literally smells like a miracle, its so sparkling clean, I can scarcely believe it...but when I looked closer at all that teeny tiny writing I found out I just washed the floor with Dr. Bronner's Castile Soap, which is pretty much just body wash with a whole lotta Jesus propaganda thrown in.

If you're curious, here's a link to a very helpful article about all the Jesus Jumping -- footnotes included!

In the end, I decided I don't care that I wash my floors with body wash because this is the loveliest my place has smelled since I moved in.  There are far worse things in this world than washing your floors in Jesus Soap, people.

KOI POND CONTINUED...SALVAGE & PLANNING

Because I don't yet have the right kind of shovel and am still awaiting my pond supply delivery, I figured the best way to bide my time was to take inventory of what I have to work with here.  To reconstruct this on a budget, I'll need to salvage the bulk of the materials and replace only what's necessary (i.e the liner & pump). And so, this morning, I set out on a little archaeological dig to scavenge for what's there. Buried beneath the leaves and soil I found:

- (16) Fire bricks. (hmmm....Fire bricks???)
- (6) lawn edger type interlocking bricks
-  a big ol' pile of ventilated brick and standard, run-of-the-mill brick
-  another huge pile of slate
-  a pile of broken marble slabs
-  a pile of crumbled concrete

This is going to take some imagination because most of it was not intact, but whoever built this seems to have used the ventilated brick to hold the pond liner in place along the edge, and the fire bricks as a decorative edge on top.  Though why you'd use fire bricks for a pond, I have no idea...unless this was actually a fire pit? You could easily fit a couple of pigs in there to roast...but then why the pond liner?  Mysteries.

Well, whatever it was, I'm still turning it into a pond.  I made a few preliminary sketches on the train ride this morning to help me feel more confident about this decision because right now it looks like a big ol' disaster out back. I think I'll lay a perimeter of brick to hold down the new pond liner -- six bricks on the 4' sides and about nine on the 6' sides.  Once they're level, I'll lay the fire brick over top and use the dirt to make it level with the lawn. Those lawn edgers might look kind of cool on all four corners with maybe two more on either of the long sides. Not really sure what the slate or the marble was used for, so I'll probably just get rid of it. Maybe I can use the slate to build a path or something? Oh the possibilities...

Mad drafting skillz right here.

I'm not sure what I accomplished with this one.  But I sure had fun drawing that waterlily!

HOW TO BUILD A KOI POND IN 5 EASY STEPS

The moment I committed to rebuilding the glory that was this koi pond, was the moment I sank my summer. I always do this.  I get an idea, I spend an hour or so researching and suddenly I'm convinced its the easiest thing in the world. Which usually means its not.  Although, according to most websites, building your own koi pond can happen 5 Easy Steps:

#1.  DIG A HOLE.  Well.  That part was easy.  But I do need need to dig out the rest of those leaves, dirt, brick and other refuse festering away on the bottom.  I will also need to dismantle the brick edging to get the torn liner out which will be a project.  I'm not really sure whose aesthetic genius was at work when they built this thing out of masonry, marble, slate AND cement, but it was a helluva creative choice.  I'm not buying anything new though.  I'm rebuilding this sucker with what's already there.

#2.  INSTALL A LINER.  Once I get the old one out, I'll need to buy a new one, which seems to be fairly easy online. Except the liner sizing is two dimensional and a pond is three dimensional which means I have to do math and that's always a bit dicey.  This particular hole measures 3'10" X 6'3".  I know enough about estimating that its roughly 4' X 6'. (i.e.numbers my brain can handle.)  Apparently a cubic foot can hold 7.48 gallons, so if this pond is 2' deep, it can hold roughly 360 gallons of water. This leads me to believe an 8'x10' liner will be too small, but a 10'x10' liner might be ok, only how does one make a square into a rectangle, especially three-dimensionally?  Maybe its better to get a 10'x12' and just bury the extra under the dirt and brick?  Numbers are hard.

#3.  FILL HOLE WITH WATER.  TREAT WITH WATER CONDITIONER.  I think I can handle this part.

#4.  INSTALL AN AIR PUMP.  This too.    This kit comes with one and I follow directions well, so should be all good. I'll have to figure out how to hide the electrical cord behind the shed, but seems totally doable to me.

#5.  ADD SOME KOI.  So, as it turns out, theses bad boys go for about a thousand a pop.  And while part of me thinks its totally worth it, my Mint.com account says its not.  After a little research, I've learned "Fancy Goldfish" are acceptable to use too. Here are the ones I'm eyeing below:

Exhibit A: The Chinese Black Moor

Exhibit B: The Comet Goldfish

Exhibit C: The Fantail Goldfish

I'm a little concerned that adding fish to the equation might exacerbate my cat problem, but I'm willing to give it a shot.  And for those of you worried about Jesse Pinkman, fret not.  Even though Red Cap Organda's are known to thrive in pond situations, JP's a house fish, guys.  I wouldn't do that to him.  

Don't worry, guys.  I'll stay in my fish condo.

Today's NEW TO-DO LIST:

1.  GET RID OF CATS...BETTER.
2.  FIX GIANT HOLE.  BUY SUPPLIES FOR KOI POND!
3.  MAKE DECISION ABOUT CRAWLING VINES.
4.  GROW A LAWN!
5.  DON'T FORGET THE STRAWBALES ARE COMING.
6.  CLEAN OUT POND & REMOVE OLD LINER.
7.  BEGIN STRAWBALE DECOMPOSITION.
8.  BUY "FANCY" FISH.
9.  REBUILD KOI POND.