 |
| My magical, mystical fantasy realm. |
I gotta say. Spring has been a long time coming this year. And if you know me, there is nothing like a good backyard project to really get me amped for the warmer weather. Luckily, my new place is a Do-it-Yourselfer's Dream. The space is double the size of my last yard, and was, at some point, carefully landscaped and cared for, although the prior tenant, Mr. Alan Masters Esq., seemed to have let the place go the past three years: there's about a foot and a half of leaf-cover and the ivy vines have grown rampant across the entire lawn. The effect is that of a magical, mystical Secret Garden which I have fallen completely in love with. There's something a little bit badass and a litte bit romantic about the place, and I want to preserve that untamed quality while still making it a relaxing spot to entertain guests this summer.
My biggest challenges are as follows:
#1. With this yard, I have inherited an army of (count-em) NINE feral cats living out back. I don't feed them, but somebody must because boy are they FAT. They like to use my shed for sunning themselves by day and sheltering by night, they loiter all over the BBQ and love to break my terracotta pots. Worst of all, they have literally shit over every inch of the yard. And while my puppy, Cricket Jean, finds this utterly compelling, I sir, certainly do not.
Because New York City does not have the budget to pick up stray cats, and because no one else in the neighborhood appears to ever go outside, I have learned that this cat problem is my problem and my problem alone. After extensive research, I have learned that my only recourse is to take a 2-hour seminar with the New York Feral Cat Initiative to learn how to trap all nine of these guys without getting rabies and schlep them to Bed-Stuy to get them spayed or neutered. Which sounded sorta reasonable until they said they give them back you. You know, to prevent other ferals from moving into the territory. (Duh) When I politely suggested that maybe I take only one or two home with me, communication ceased and because I've effectively burnt the bridge with the last ally I had, I have to take matters into my own hands.
This leaves me with a couple options. And while I've never been much of a cat person, I don't really have it in me to accept the numerous offers to bring in the bebe guns. I'm a little embarrassed to say I've even named them all -- Apparition, Tigerlily, Poncho, Padre, Stinky, Filthy, Satan, Succubus, Pinkeye and Troubles, if you must know, and Apparition, Tigerlily and Troubles were all in the running to come home. I've tried blasting them with supersoakers with moderate effect (mostly its just really, really fun) and though you'd think having a dog would scare them off, she's so terrified of life, they just about kill themselves laughing. I did read somewhere that dispensing fox urine around the premises should scare them off for good -- how a Brooklyn-born cat knows a damn thing about foxes is beyond me -- but before I go down that road, I figured it can't hurt to tidy up the place first. It is apparently common knowledge (so says the Feral Cat Initiative) that cats bury their feces. So in theory, if I remove all the leaves, they should miraculously disappear. Right?
 |
| Tigerlily at her post on top of the shed. |
 |
| Kids these days: Apparition, Padre and Troubles up to no good. |
Okay, #2. Not too long after the snow melted, as I was making my daily rounds out back, I noticed a subtle indentation in the center of the yard. After a little poking around, I realized there is actually a GIGANTIC 4X6 FOOT HOLE SMACK IN THE MIDDLE OF MY PRIME SUN. I have no earthly idea what it could be or why it is there. Is it a fire pit? A koi pond? An Ancient Indian burial ground or mass grave? I lifted a hefty slab of marble and discovered a long, metal pipe which I sincerely hope doesn't mean its some weird slumlord access point for a gas main or something. I really have no idea. But I'll tell you one thing. I hate it. That is exactly where I planned to put the tee-pee.
This hole is going to take some creative problem-solving to get around. If there's one thing I love, its a project, and this certainly is one for the ages. Here's my TO-DO LIST for the weekend. Let's get to work.
TO-DO LIST:
1. RAKE AND DISPOSE OF 80 MILLION POUNDS OF ROTTING LEAVES AND CAT WASTE.
2. GET RID OF CATS.
3. FIX GIANT HOLE???
4. ASSEMBLE FIRE PIT DECK.
5. BUST OUT THE YARD FURNITURE.
6. ARRANGE POTS & PLANTERS.
7. REMOVE VINES CRAWLING ALL OVER THE PLACE.
7. GROW A LAWN!
8. FIX MANUAL LAWN MOWER FOUND IN SHED.
9. ORDER STRAW BALES FOR HERB & VEGETABLE GARDEN.
10. BEGIN STRAW BALE DECOMPOSITION PROCESS
No comments:
Post a Comment