As CrossFit SouthBrooklyn's "Look, Feel, Perform Better Challenge" comes to a close, I'd be lying if I said I wasn't a little disappointed with my results. To be totally fair, I've made some great progress and am pleased with my overall level of health these days...but lets just say squeezing into the lace gown I am meant to wear to the Oscars on Sunday wasn't the most life-altering experience for me last Friday. But instead of weeping into a pair of Spanx I decided to turn to my good friend who recently performed some crazy 3-day voodoo on herself just prior to her vacation in the British Virgin Islands. She looked INCREDIBLE and she shared with me this crazy plan which I guess is meant to deflate you into the most compact version of yourself. Girl said she lost 7lbs in 3 days which seems a bit intense, but hey, I'm in dire straights so I'll take it. The premise is pretty simple. You stoke your metabolism by feeding yourself every two hours with incredibly lean, bland foods and throw in a teaspoon of coconut oil here and there for good measure. Upon first glance, it seems like WAY more food than I normally eat, but I figured what the heck, what do I have to lose at this point.
The morning began with a 1/4 cup of steel cut oats mixed with some cinnamon, some scrambled egg whites with hot sauce, black coffee and a teaspoon of coconut oil. (I'm not sure what the oil is supposed to do but it tastes delicious, so I'm not complaining).
Two hours later, I steamed a small portion of chicken breast and a small sweet potato and ate it without any seasoning at all.
Two hours after that, I steamed a piece of tilapia and a whole bunch of broccoli spritzed with fresh lemon juice.
Two hours after that, I had another small piece of steamed chicken breast and ate it with more steamed broccoli. This time, I added some hot sauce. And then another teaspoon of coconut oil.
Two hours after that, I steamed the rest of the tilapia fillet and ate it with an entire orange bell pepper. Also steamed. Topped it off with another spoonful of coconut oil.
And finally? An hour and a half after that, I had a little ground turkey mixed with cayenne and cumin. And a whole bunch of steamed asparagus. With lemon and hot sauce.
Oh yeah, and then you also drink a GALLON of water. So I did that. And the whole thing was mind-crushingly boring. So boring, in fact, that the careful preparation of each of those six mini-meals HAS to be intended to distract you from how unremarkable they are. But you're not really hungry per se, just generally unsatisfied at all times. Its what I imagine its like to eat in the wild, if we were hunter/gatherers still wandering the plains. You know, eating to quell the hunger pangs rather than for any other real enjoyment.
Supposedly you do this for three days and become completely transformed. I got two more days of this...so we shall see! Worst case scenario, I call up Blueprint on Tuesday but will see how this healthful debloat works out for me.
